Today was one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride. Reason;We got our results today.
Let's just say it wasn't the most happiest day in my life. Gotwingsbutkenotfly cried. Like really hard. She was sobbing in the surau; there was no water so we couldn't pray; so all of us just sat awkwardly not knowing what to do. Me and Elin thought if we cried too it would make her feel better but she just cried even harder.
Note to self; don't talk when people are crying, all I do is make things worse.
We wanted to comfort her but I've been in her place and everything people say doesn't make things better so we just let her cry and just sat with her. I think it's better to just be there for people than talking and giving 'advice'. Like in all honesty, saying 'Ala, it's okay. It's just mid terms," does not make one feel better. JUST. Hah, try being in the bottom of the food chain and say it's JUST mid terms :-)
Anyways, I got in top 10 with over 5As but to be honest.....I didn't even feel anything. This is bizzarre for me. I've always been competitive when it comes to grades but this time I just...couldn't care less. I don't care that I got top 10, I don't care I got over 5As, I just don't. I can't feel proud of myself. I can't be happy for it because I don't think I deserved it.
To be honest, I studied just as hard as my friends. I was really proud of them because they were studying for mid terms so hard. I prayed they would get seriously high marks and I just felt bad everytime I got an A. It felt like I was the one in their shoes. Grey Fur cried a lot when she got her results and I was always there for her but it just makes me feel worse about myself. She studied really hard and seeing her be so upset breaks me, you know.
I don't think there has been a time that no one cried over a result. There's always someone crying and I just stare. Stare. What if I was in their shoes? What if I lived my life like that? So I have to be there for them. They're there for me so it's my duty to be there for them.
But I can't help it to think sometimes.....what if they're just bringing me down? Actually I thought of this yesterday, when I got really upset over my English marks. I wasn't thinking okay, but I just sat there and thought about everything. What if the reason my grades are slipping is because I don't have 'nerd' influences around me? Would I be better then? Would I be more focused rather than wasting my time talking nonsense? Does that mean I have to leave them?
I felt really horrible for thinking like that considering all I've been through with them. I've gotten in trouble with them, learned with them and had really memorable experiences with these people. Would sacrificing them be worth my future? To sacrifice the laughters, the tears, the adventures just to be better for myself? Could I be selfish just once and leave them?
But then later on we spent time in the library, laughing so hard. Just us being stupid like always. And I looked around and I had it in my mind that nothing is worth this. Nothing is worth the friendship I have with my friends. It's a one in a million friendship and I just have to cherish everything I have right now. Because one day I'm going to leave this school, leave my friends, and I don't want to leave with regrets. I want to finish school feeling like I've lived my high school life with a family who loves me, friends who support me and memories I'll hang on to forever.
My friends are worth more than the amount of wealth I'll end up with if I become successful. It's the little things in my life that makes it worth living.
So, right now, I just have to be quiet and enjoy life because I only get one chance to live it ♡
Tuesday, June 19, 2012 @ 6:10 AM /
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