Hi.Continuing my last post, yes, I'm very stressed.
I have less than 30 days to get my shit together for SPM and maaaaaaaan, am I screwed kdjfhsfsk
Bukan apa tau, it's not that I'm ignorant of my future or I just don't give a crap, it's just I'm really not ready.
Ready in the aspect of studying, ye lah aku memang study, tapi mindset nak SPM. HUIIIII JAUH LAGI NAKKK.
I don't what's wrong with me. Why I refuse to buat betul2 for my SPM. Why I don't have the semangat for it. Time PMR kemaaain lagi, belum start sekolah dah tak leh tidur fikir macam mana lah nak dapat 8A, nak masuk Mozac, dapat jumpa love of my life tak dekat sana, ada kemungkinan tak dia tu cina. Haih, macam-macam lah. But I had the spirit for it. Man, I was burning hell with what I had for my PMR. And it paid off, alhamdulillah.
But I'm scared now. Aku ni tak sedar2. Malam-malam melagha lagi, gossip itu lah, settle Siti lah, makan maggi lah, layan Siti/Iman emo lah, aku sendiri emo lah, ada birthday orang lah. Haih, banyak lah distractions ahhahaha. Alasan je but still. At least time PMR, the only distraction I had was my iPod. But how do I turn off budak-budak yang tengah memekak dekat belakang tu huish. Beb, kena pentingkan silaturrahim dekat asrama ni, tak boleh main shhh je. Nanti uhkwah batch terputus hu hu. Bak kat Alin, ni lah hidup asrama, Bihah..../rolls eyes at the reality of it lol hehehehhehehe
Memang takde masa lah for self study. I am flooded constantly with classes and work I can't even sometimes. I can't think kadang-kadang. And if I do, then it'll make me cry because I get so stressed lol.
Time jerebu when semuaorg dapat cuti, damn son, I had 5 classes back to back sampai petang. And memang masam lah muka aku hahahaha Tak ikhlas lansung datang kelas because I was so pissed at having to go to school when it was cuti. Sampai terfikir nak saman sekolah sebab memudaratkan kesihatan pelajar!!!! Apa function suruh kitaorg sekolah sekarang kalau time exam nanti semuaorg batuk2, demam sebab kau suruh kiteorg sekolah, hah!!!! haih, dendam aku masih tak hilang hahahah.
But I felt bad lah, lol, Because cikgu Mail kata when it was announced that cuti, all form 5 teachers berebut-rebut nak buat kelas, semua tak sabar-sabar tengok the schedule for those 2 days. The dedication of my teachers is infinite and forever I'm grateful tapi aku cakap dekat sini lah.....give us a break.
I wish they'd give us time to study on our own. This whole year they pushed us with their dedication, buat kelas time cuti. classes from 8 am to 11 pm, coming to prep kalau nak tanya apa-apa, buat immersion, buat quests, inviting penceramahs, setiap weekend ada kelas. Don't you think it's time to let us run a little...? Ni sampai time SPM nanti pun ada kelas, isn't it too much?
Gah I sound so ungrateful but let us breathe!!!! Kadang-kadang I think it's not SPM that's making me stressed but all them goddamn classes. I need time to just sit by myself and focus on the things that I know I'm crap at, and work from there. I feel like I'm being pushed in so many directions, it gets too much.
So yeah, that needed to be said because I think my stress level hit 88% during that time.
What else has been going on so far besides my recent mental breakdown?
Ah yes, my parents' lack of concern for my mental breakdown.
Yeah, yeah someone reading this is gonna go 'bukan dia ni selalu go on and on about appreciating parents dia ke' etc. huhu. But it added to my stress that my parents didn't really think much about how frustrated I was in school.
Entahlah, maybe it's because my academics have always been okay, that's why diaorg tak push aku sangat but hey, it still matters how I feel about it. It doesn't mean that I've always done good in my exams that you don't need to pay that much attention to it.
When Fatin had her exams kemain lagi, hantar ke sana sini pergi tuition, calendar full dengan Fatin's appointments and classes, pushing like craycray. And yeah, if I say that to them, they will SURELY say that she needed the extra push and I don't.
But they have to understand I am just as stressed as Fatin was. I don't think I can do this either. I don't think I can get that 9As.
But what I get in response is;
One more month and it'll all be over. Just study.
like sakjdfhsfhskalj?????
much advice thnx dad
Entahlah, I don't think anything they say will make me feel better anyways. But I still cry sometimes lol when I think of how they don't really think how I feel.
Mom thinks I just want attention and that hurt a lot, and maybe I do, but really I just want you guys to just care??????????
care that im actually stressed for this???? that i cry at night because i get so frustrated with things?????????? that my feelings actually matter?????????? just because i got into mozac doesnt mean i dont need ur attention and concern to succeed????????? that my spm matters????????????
that having classes every day really tires me out???????? and u can't just keep saying it'll all be over sooon????? and that it'll all be worth it???????? because right now, in this space continuum it just makes me want to curl in a ball and cry????????? because im so busy??? but when i tell my parents????? they just brush it off????? that they don't think im tearing my hair out in classes????????????????????????????
fuck im so stressed. and fuck i wish they took my complains more seriously.
So all in all, that's what I actually what I wanted to write in this entry all along lol. I just wanted to say out loud how much I'm feeling right now. I guess u could say I have
too much feels.
/csi background music
Friday, October 9, 2015 @ 9:14 AM /
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