home is where the heart is

I haven't been happy these past few weeks.

I don't know.

I just felt out of place.

I'll be honest though.

I miss Mozac and Cheng and Od.

When I got home, everything felt so foreign.

It felt like I left home for another house.

My room wasn't my room. It got packed and turned into a fucking store that I had to deal with.

I know it's selfish to expect no one would've used my perfectly nice room but it was my room.

I didn't mind people sleeping in it or something.

But you moved it.

You just packed it up and expected I'd be fine with it.

It just made me feel like you were just used to me never being around.

And that I was just a guest in the house.

I slept on couches and on the floor because I didn't belong anywhere anymore.

What did you care

I was just there for the weekends anyways.

I was used to sleeping on the floor anyways.

Did you ever think that I came back home because I wanted to feel at home?

The reason I didn't unpack right away

And start anew with my new room

Was because even I didn't feel like this was home anyways

Even I started feeling like I was only here temporarily

& I'd be shipped back to Melaka in a few weeks too

You made me feel foreign in my own home......

I refused to sleep in my own room

Because I couldn't sleep alone.....

I was so used to Cheng and Od and Khamalin

Next to me everytime I slept

I couldn't sleep in the dark either

Because it just scared me

It scared me to feel alone in my house

Without all my friends

I slept on the couch because that room wasn't my room

You put me there

With all of my stuff in boxes

And expected me to adjust right away

It's hard explaining

But once you spend so much time on a springless mattress

And surrounded by laughter and snores

All the mattresses couldn't fit the curves on my back

& the quietness slowly drowned me

I spent a month

Not feeling like this was my home

But now that school's started

I realized that I'm not going back to Mozac

I'm here now

So I'm starting to unpack

And clean my room

And get used to being

home

And I'm still unhappy.

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