Talking to Mia about how last year went really made me realize how freaking shitty it was.I mean I had freaking amazing friends but I was so frustrated and trapped. I think that's why by the end of it I was just always crying and spacing out.
Like, I cried a lot the last few weeks of SPM. My family didn't understand it, my friends being stressed out over SPM, all the classes just dried me out man. 2015 dried me out.
I remember being really frustrated because I had all these fucking classes and everytime I told my family they'd just say it was for my SPM, I just had to deal with it but no..........they didn't understand. They didn't understand being pressed into a can of good grades. The pressure the school puts on us, on me was fucking suffocating. I was pushed into class after class after class. It was never ending. There is a limit and Mozac fucking hit it with me, man.
Parents should understand that. How can you expect me to learn when I am being forced to understand and excel for something I actually lost interest in?
.....I really lost interest in my education. When I said I wasn't ready for trials, I meant it. I was just swimming around in endless pep talks and exercises that I didn't realize I drowned my passion to learn. Even if I do get my 9As....I'm sorry, but all of that was wrong. You made me feel like shit the whole year because I had to get up at 7 even on a holiday because I had a 6 hour class to attend. You made me cry because the pressure of being in Beta broke me. You made me cry because I was so frustrated at the facts you pushed down my throat and expected me swallow.
Most of the teachers didn't realize we had more than one subject to learn. You repeated the same thing over and over but at the same time, I had 8 other fucking subjects to balance. It is selfish to expect that from us.
I hated it.
I hated it when I did something wrong in English and you pointed out that just because I got an A+ for midterms doesn't mean I get to slack off. I hated being so fucking afraid to enter the biology lab. I hated letting you down because you did so much for me. I hated your stories about other students who failed your subject. I hated how you always wanted a reason to embarrass me in class. I hated how you only raised your voice at me even though everyone else wasn't paying a single shit to what you said. I hated being gossiped by the teachers. I hated how you had to tell me that teachers had a problem with my attitude. I hated that the teachers were such fucking gossip mongers. I hated that you made every little problem in my batch a fucking hurricane. I hated that you expected so much from a bunch of lowlifes like us.
I hated, hated, hated that you made me feel so unhappy in 2015.
I can't deny that 2015 wasn't my best year. It's okay to say all these things that have emotionally drained me because not every year is a good year.
And I know one day I will look back on this past and think what an ungrateful little bitch but right now, I will remember this anger.
This anger that built from being taught that swallowing facts is more important than learning.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016 @ 11:04 AM /
0 thoughts
Please view with Google Chrome in a screen resolution of 1280 x 800.
Picture from: Tumblr All rights reserved 2011 - Infinite.