YoOOOooooOOoooo~I've just come back from three fantastic days in Melaka and would like to remember this feeling of content and nostalgic in this blog post.
FRIDAY
Originally, I was just supposed to go to graduation then go home. But then my family had a gathering & decided to stay until Sunday so i said fuck it, I'm gonna go to this lame ass bbq my friends were having. Plus Puteri couldn't come to graduation so the bbq was the only place I'd meet her. We planned for Arifah to drive Syalin & I after graduation to pick up Puteri then go to the bbq but heh, plans change.
So, graduation was okay. I missed the perarakan bc I was late lol & it was so embarassing to masuk dewan lambat sjkfhskdfjhsa tapi nasib baik ah I got to sit next to Farah Wani so the ceremony wasn't that boring lmao. It was uneventful, to say the least. We just took a batch photo and then everyone went their separate ways. I got to meet Tish agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain and take pictures with everyone. But in all seriousness I was sort of scared to come bc Cheng and Od would be there and I sort of felt like an outsider for a while but meh, I got through it ok.
Me and Syalin waited three fucking hours for Arifah to come. We were so pissed so I asked Syahmi to come pick us up instead. Like tbh, I'm so thankful that my friends were so nice to me these past three days with all the driving around and belanja-ing hewhew. We went to McD first bc I was freaking starving cos I hadn't eaten at all from aLL THE WAITING and Syahmi had to wait for Adam and his geng. Adam's still an asshole btw, nothing's changed hurrah. I called him to tell him we were there and the first thing he said 'apa sial kenapa aku save nombor bean sia'. gr8. Budak laki semua sesat lol bc we ended up meeting like two more cars on the way to her house.
The bbq was supposed to start at 3 and we got there at 4.30 tapi takde benda nak makan pun smh. Panjang cite ah nak kutuk tuan rumah tapi conclusionnya, tuan rumah and organiser tak prepare lansung hahaahhah. I was the geng duduk dapur, kutuk2 tuan rumah and just having the best time whilst people were cooking and hanging around lmao. It actually felt like a party bc the boys were playing video games and hanging out outside, masak ayam and the girls were in the living room and gossiping so that was nice. I got to see Puteri and Lamin and I tried to look for every excuse to get out and drive lol. Syahmi let me drive home from the kedai and he got pissed bc I hit a branch zzzzz. I didn't even eat anything loool.
I was supposed to go to Panca (this event where form 5s sell food for a whole weekend to donate to the school) with Arifah but then Puteri cancelled and lps kena tunggu 3 jam dkt mozac, I ikut Syahmi bc he was gonna go to Panca too. I didn't wanna go after Puteri cancelled but Lamin asked me to follow him and I didn't have anyone to drive me home anyways so aku ikut lah.
We sang the whole way back to Mozac. We sent Fatin Qila to JJ lama, then Syahmi, Lamin, Syahirah Khalid and me went to Mozac. We hung around at school until Panca started, cakap pasal budak laki kena settle lah, gelakkan junior lah etc.
Thank God Kak We was there bc I would've been the only girl at the table lmao. It was just us two bc Syahirah Khalid didn't feel like hanging out there. We just sat around talking and eating stale burgers and drinking. Best lah bc ada kawan, there was Lamin, Kak We and Jiji at the table so it wasn't awkward. Syahmi left when the other guys started arriving. Eventhough it wasn't exciting or anything, I didn't wanna leave bc I was finally getting to hang out with my friends and eventhough they weren't Cheng and Od, it still felt nice to just not be alone.
Before I left, geng Syah asked me if I wanted to ikut pergi A'Famosa esok and i was like ???????? but I really wanted to go lmao. It was rly last minute but Dad let me go heh. I left around 10 and went to watch Munafik again at midnight with my cousins lmao I was so damn tired when I got back and sort of wanted to cancel going to A'Famosa bc I wasn't sure I'd wake up lol. But I still packed, and by pack I mean secretly steal my sister's and cousin's clothes then went to bed.
SATURDAY
They planned on going at 9 am and I woke up at 8.40 am lmao. I got ready in like 10 minutes and they got a bit lost but they came around 9.10++am. I was so tired but damn was I excited bc I'd never done anything this last minute, I didn't even know where the hell I was going to sleep but ofc I didn't tell mom that lol.
We went to McD for a drive through breakfast then we were on our way. When I say I wasn't prepared, I freaking meant it. I didn't know how I was going to go anywhere if this plan backfired, where A'Famosa actually was like I thought it was near but damn it was on the border of Melaka-KL, where I was gonna sleep bc I thought they were staying in a hotel and letting me stay there but turns out they already checked out and legit I found when we were going home for the day etc. But clueless me spent the rest of the ride cluelessly in peace.
Y'all gotta understand that back in Mozac, we weren't close aT ALL, they were this group of close knit friends and I was literally the only outsider lmao. But they were so excited when I said I'd go so I thought it'd be fine and thank god it was omgggggg. Plus I was close with Farah Wani, Ati and Owen so I figured it'd be ok. We had so much fun bruhHhH, I mean, at least I did lol.
It was scorching hot that day and all of us got blisters from walking on the hot cement but dAMN IT WAS WORTH IT.
Like
LOOK
AT
IT
Once again, I didn't know what to expect but I didn't think it'd be that fun. The first ride we rode was this one;
And I lost my shit bc it was aWESOMMEEEEEEEEEEE, I ALMOST FELL OFF THE PELAMPUNG OK IT WAS SO FUN.
All the rides were cooooooooOoOollLllL, we were screaming through all the rides hahahahahahah. And nasib there was 8 of us bc most of the rides needed even numbers of people so I think that's why they sort of invited me hahaahhaha but whateves i had freaking blast.
We swam around in the river and waited for the waves and Owen lost her glasses so we tawaf'ed the sungai two times baru jumpa looool. Time dah penat semua we just hung out under the bridge bc dear god it was hot lol. That was the part I liked the most. Call me lame or wtv but the best parts of being with friends is just talking and laughing and joking around heh.
We ate our (free!) lunch and decided to ride the rides one more time before going back. Melecet gila kaki by the time kitaorg gi tukar baju.
After changing, we took photos then headed back to Ayer Keroh. It rained and I slept the whole way lmao. We met up at JJ Baru to eat bc danngggggnggggngngngng we were hungry & tired. We ate pizza and laughed and joked around and it struck me that I didn't really need just one set of friends in life bc I was out without my best friends and still had fun. Time tu lah aku menyesal berpuak sangat time dkt Mozac hahahaha bc I had just as much fun as I did with Cheng and Od. Siap buat kawan with this one little boy that kept coming to our table fkhdaklfjlf me & children otp.
I didn't feel like going home (I decided to sleep at Ainin's eventho dia tak ajak pun haha tembok muka nak mati) so I got Hadri to take me to dinner hahahaha. Ati couldn't come so I ajak Kak We. After we finished eating at Pizza Hut, everyone went their separate ways and we waited for Hadri.
Like I'll be freaking honest it was so awkward at first lmaooooooooooooo. So Hadri ajak Acap lol. It was so awkward but then kitaorg start membebel & ranting dah ok ahhaah. Kitaorg ambik Acap then went to eat steamboat. Lol dinner was also awkward bc I've never eaten with guys before kfsajflajfkj I talked to Kak We most of the time but then masuk cite kes pecah masuk aspura and ok la sekejap.
We were so late by the time we left lol, we promised Ainin we'd be home by 10 but we left the place at 10 hehe.
Ok, so on the way there, Kak We and I started talking about how imposing we were being to Ainin bc dia tak ajak kitaorg pun haahaha and she started saying that she wanted to stay hotel je malam ni but the rest didn't want to and I said I thought we were staying at a hotel at first and she was like laaa why didn't u say time dkt jj baru sempat je nak book hotel & stuff and I was like omg let's just book nOW??? & both of us started googling cheap places to say and fjhsdkfjalkj we got so excited lol. I found a place with two single beds for like rm50 and we were like hELL YEAH??????? HAAHHAHA we asked Hadri if he could send us and he said he could so we were on fULL MODE EXCITED. We booked the hotel online, called Farah Wani to say we were coming to get our stuff and I was like omg we're actually doing this???????? again, u can see how unplanned my three days was hahahha.
We got lost on the way to her house bc both of us had no clue where it was but one of their friends lived nearby so they went to his house to ask where it was. He wasn't home so they went and asked his mom looool. So she so kindly, drove us to where her house was hahahah. Again, everyone was so nice to me this whole weekend fhkdskjas. We salam her mom and said goodbye, took our stuff and left loooooool we felt bad but I was so tired and really just needed somewhere I felt comfortable to crash lmao.
We sent Acap then Hadri drove us to the hotel, nasib dia tau where it was. Hadri was really nice tbh. Dia melayan kitaorg yg huru hara tetiba nak gi hotel plak tapi kena pergi jugak rumah ainin to get our stuff plus our hotel was rly far from where he lived & it was already like 11???
On the way there all three of us started fighting about our results hahahaha. Kitaorg tiga2 sama result, tapi B+ lain2 subject. It felt....nice I guess to finally talk about it with people who understand the pain of being a near miss hhahaha. But then kitaorg gi buli Hadri about his results, ckp dia asyik annoy budak batch that's why BI dia tak dpt restu etc. sampai dia nak nangis haahahahah. I felt bad bc bila kitaorg sampai and nak cakap bye semua he didn't look up at all and I think he was crying bc his eyes was all watery when we told him to roll down the window hahahaha. Jahat gila, dia dah la penat2 drive kitaorg and last2 we made him cry ahahahah. We checked in (apparently the room was rm60 with taxes and stuff smh) and...well, let's just say when you pay rm60 for a room, you're gonna get a rm60 room lmaaaaaaaaao.
It was so small, and there was no lift and me and Kak We was like are they shitting us??????? lol wE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A BATHROOM FGS!!!! The hotel was like a dorm and the bathroom was like on the other side of our freaking room hahahaah. But we were so shit tired and after complaining and being ok with it, we charged our phones and finally went to sleep!!!!!!
SUNDAY
We were supposed to get up at 9 bc they had a free breakfast for us but by the time I woke up, it was 11.45am lmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaao. I was like looking around for my phone and was like kak we???????????? we missed breakfast???? ahhahaha.
Staying in a hotel, no matter how cheap, waking up is never easy lol. It was so comfy and I didn't wanna leave at all but we had to. Hadri offered to send us to Melaka Sentral at 12.30 but we suruh ambik pukul 1 je la lool. I went to shower and when I came back, the door kept beeping aND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED WE WERE SUPPOSED TO CHECK OUT AT 12AM HAHAHAAHHAAH.
We freaked out and Kak We went to shower and I started packing hahahaha. We finally checked out at 12.30 and thank god it was a cheap hotel bc it didn't charge us for checking out late. Hadri came at 1 and I was looking forward to having lunch with him but he had to pick up his brother so he just sent us off at Melaka Sentral.
But forreal tho, shoutout to Hadri who will never read this bc he was so nice to us for offering to send us eventhough his house was half an hour away and it only took him 10 minutes to send us off and for belanja-ing us dinner the night before (rm100 weh tq ah) and dealing with us drama queens yg nak sgt duduk hotel and tak suruh kitaorg bayar duit minyak pun fdhakjfkas. Trimasssssss eventhough you're such an asshole lmao.
Our bus was at 3 so we ate McD while we waited. Nadzmi came to see Kak We off and I awkwardly became the third wheeler lmao seriously tho, I kept being everyone's third wheeler the whole weekend ahahhahaha.
We slept the whole way to KL and again, I didn't know how to go home hahahaha. But thank god dad was already at TBS weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~ So I went home with dad, had dinner and am now coming down from my adventure high.
Sighshshshs.
I'll be honest, I didn't wanna go home. I was getting so sick of waking up and doing the same thing every single day so that's why I had wayy too much fun this whole weekend. It felt so nice to be out with friends and having last minute plans and sleeping in cheap hotels and just feeling like a teenager on an adventure heh.
And I didn't expect to be close with all these people I hung out with. Like my friends kept whatsapp-ing me saying 'aku tak sangka kau ngam dgn dieorg??' 'pelik sia kau lepak dgn etc.' the whole two days ahahahhaha. Aku pun tak expect I'd be having fun hanging out with them. Expecially Kak We!!! I just realized I spent the whole Saturday with her, from A'famosa to sleeping together to going back together. I liked knowing that I could enjoy myself without having a '''clique'''. Everyone was so nice to me this whole weekend and I'm so grateful <333
I loved these three days, & to many more great days like these! <3
Monday, April 4, 2016 @ 10:11 AM /
0 thoughts
Assalamualaikum y'all~So from the lack of incoherent posts right after 3/3, you can tell my results were alhamdulillah good! It wasn't what I expected but then again, I didn't really know what I was expecting hehe so I was grateful either ways.
BM - A+
BI - A+
HIS - A+
MATHS - A+
AGAMA - A +
ADDMATHS - A
BIO - A
PHY - A
CHEM -B+
Truly, alhamdulillah!
But I have to be honest lah, I was pretty heartbroken when my name wasn't called on stage. You could just see my face falling when they passed my name heh. After I realized I wasn't one of the 42 to get straight As I immediately texted the number to know my results and I was so nervous when the text came. I only saw the back of it and the worse I saw was a B+ so I was sort of relieved. I showed my parents (and wouldn't let them tell me haha) and my mom looked so suprised. She told me my result was good and I terus lari pergi ambik result hahaah first siut. I can't say it wasn't annoying seeing the B+ on my slip but I was so proud when I saw the straight 5 A+ across my slip :')
Tapi manusia kan, mana reti nak bersyukur. When my parents asked me how I felt about my results, I couldn't really pinpoint what I was truly feeling, Dissapointment of course lah. I did feel like crying but my parents were so proud of my result and that's supposed to be the only thing you expect your parents to be so I couldn't really say I was feeling dissapointed with myself. I think I was really shell shocked after getting my results bc everything felt like a blur. Rasa macam tak betul je haha. I couldn't accept it at first, I kept looking at my slip wishing for another A to appear.
And I'll be honest, it took me a while to finally be at peace with result. Susah lah nak explain but I just felt like after complaining about the classes and having to attend so many extra classes, cakap macam confirm je straight As and last2 tak dapat pun. All I did was complain and was never grateful for the work my teachers put in to teach me. Tu lah berkat cikgu. I was only dissapointed with myself lah. I just had this thought that I wanted to leave Mozac with a bang, with straight As in my hands but Allah has other plans I suppose. Now I'm grateful but there still lies the pang of dissapointment.
Sekarang tengah stress fikir college and scholarships. They lied. They said getting straight As would definitely make your college life easier. Lies. They should've told us it's the A+s and As that mattered. In my time, getting straight As is nothing without A+s and As. I have friends who got straight As but still cannot apply to certain scholarships bc they don't have enough A+s and As. Even my friends yang tak straight As pun still qualify for prestigious scholarships bc they had more A+s and As than most of the students that got straight As. Itu je scholarships are looking at, the quality of your As, not the amount of As.
So, for now, I'm contemplating doing A-Levels. Bruh, there's so much drama that goes down in this -_-. It's expensive af. The cheapest I found was at TARC and tu pun 14k. Entahlah...
I want to do A-Levels, I don't want to go to UITM. Mom wants me to do A-Levels but she also cannot figure out how she's going to afford it. Dad still expects me to go to UITM like my sister.
My parents are pushing me in all sorts of direction. Mom keeps asking if I want to take up another course but when I did for my UPU, takut plak aku tak dapat law. I rasa, kalau memang rezeki aku dapat science, I will take it lah. It wouldn't be her choice to choose for me. Abah pulak insists gila2 lah I study local only for my degree and only go overseas during my Masters. Why doesn't he ask me that I don't want to pursue my Masters straight away after my degree, that I really want to go overseas for my degree, that I want to take up A-Levels? Why can't he see that times are hard, and just getting a degree won't guarantee my chances at a job?
I have results to do really good programmes and I feel like I worked too hard to end up at UITM. Bukannya I look down on those at local colleges but I just want to do more. I want to try something new and challenging.
Of course education is still education where ever you go, but I really want to try out A-Levels. Nak aku jujur, I'm a little dissapointed lah my parents didn't set up an education fund for us since we were little, it would've made life rn easier to go to a lot more places but takpelah, it wasn't meant to be.
I am sad though that I am unable to take up A-Levels bc I just get so guilty when I hear mom talking about taking out loans and stuff. Aku rasa macam leceh je last2, baik pergi UITM je where money won't be a problem. Plus I hate, hate the fact that dad will be looking down at my choice in the end (bc it's not his choice see). Even now pun when we talk about my future, he keeps quiet when I talk about wanting to do A-Levels & it just makes me want to drop all of it and pergi je lah UITM tu. Ikut je lah eventhough I won't be happy doing it. He doesn't even show much interest to know about A-Levels.
I wish I could choose for myself and my parents just accpeted it but it's all in Allah's hands.
Dear future me, I hope you're happy with what you chose. If you aren't, I'll try harder next time.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016 @ 9:46 AM /
0 thoughts
Hey, guys. It's T-minus 8 days until results and I'm just internally freaking out heh.Mom keeps saying that she doesn't really have any expectations for my results and I'm glad but it doesn't make me feel better about it. I don't know, I've just always had this big expectation for myself, to get straight As, to go to a good school etc. I feel like I'm always pushing myself to be the best and at the end of the day it's always me that ends up stressed out. Bodoh je aku ni hahaha.
I was so chill about it this whole three months but now that it's a week away, I'm getting so nervous dfhsfklsaj What if I don't get that 9As? I mean, I know it's not the end of the world, believe me. My sister only got 5 and yet she's getting 3.75 GPAs and really liking law. But, this is me. Old, dramatic me. I don't think I can live with the fact that I was one or two As away from getting that straight As without thinking that I could've done better.
I keep seeing all these tweets about whatever result we get, kita redha je and that if we had given it our all, truly, Allah has other plans for us. But that's the thing!!! I know I didn't do my best for my SPM. My SPM was shit next to my PMR. I gave PMR everything I had but I was so unprepared for SPM. So what happens then????
Maybe this is just pre-result day and that when I get it, I will find clarity in the fact that it will be one failures out of many. Maybe I will make do with my result, I pray that I do. Because I know, somewhere along the way I'll find a way to beat myself up about it. God, please, let me get that 9As...
Other talks concerning my future, I don't want to go to UITM. I know it's so selfish of me but I want to do something different. I'd get sick of living the same thing my sister did. My whole life's always a copy of Fatin's. Maybe that's one of the reason I went to boarding school. My sister' high school life was shit and I knew I'd never feel the same way about high school if I stayed, no offence to all my friends.
My parents aren't worried about my college education because they think of course I'm gonna pick UITM but yoooo, I don't. I don't know, I want to learn Law but I wanna go somewhere else, take on new adventures that I haven't heard of from my sister, gain my own experiences. I want to apply to UM. But my guidance counselor said better not apply to UM if our results aren't good so I'm going to see how my results are. If they're average then sadly, I will have to go to UITM.
A Levels is another option I've always considered. But it sort of breaks my heart when my parents say they can't afford it so I never push for A levels. I've heard how expensive it is from my rich ass friends so I know my family definitely cannot afford it heh.
I really want to go overseas too. Dad keeps saying it's not worth it to spend that much money on a degree but I really want to. I don't really say anything because I can't guess how my results are gonna go but if it is good, dear god, I wanna go overseas.
It's just one of those things I wanna push in my life, learning overseas....
Sighs talking about my unpredictable future is making me sad.
Bye.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016 @ 8:01 AM /
0 thoughts
I think I'm one of the lucky ones.I've never had any trouble figuring my life out, you know? I've always known what I wanted to be in life. Never doubting the decisions I've made and never really having anything to choose from.
I knew I wanted to be in Mozac, so I got in.
I knew I had to take pure science, so I did.
I knew I wanted to be a lawyer, so I'm pining for it.
Even when my sister went into standard one and I was crying cause I didn't get to, I knew I wanted to go to school.
My life's just been planned and I've always just followed my instincts, without worrying. It does make it sound like my life is boring, always by the books but I can't imagine it as anything than this.
I can't imagine if I never got into Mozac and met all these incredible people.
I can't imagine taking account or literature.
I've always set a path for myself and I've always followed it. I'm thankful, I suppose. Some people that I know never know what their life aspirations were to be. They still don't know what to do with their lives, what to choose, what to take on. But I've just always known what I wanted to do with my life. I never think about it. I just go with whatever life gives me, I guess. I never rebel against what I've been put against and I've always been okay with that. Like 12 year old me always knew I'd end up following everything she'd planned for me.
I'm also lucky/thankful for my school years. My older sister hated her high school years and my youngest sister as well. But I was blessed with always having good friends and fond memories. Sure, 2012 was a bad year for me but I've learnt a lot from that. I learned to give in sometimes to my friends, to not be so narcissistic, to not think that I was what held the group together and that if I left they'd all fall apart. That was what fucked me up in form 2. I just had this huge ego hanging over me until one day it dropped and I lost my friends.
Although I joked about eating in the toilet during recess, those were really hard times for me. The fact that I was in that situation because of my own stupid ego made it 10x worse. I just felt like my life was falling apart and I was only 14! Lol. I was anxious all the time and cried in my bathroom once because I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror.
2013 wasn't as bad. But once you've tasted the sincerity of friendship, it's hard not to be bitter about it. It was hard not to care that I was now the outsider on their inside jokes but it got better. Now, I'm thankful that we get to go out and laugh like old times. I'm happy that I make Rus laugh, that I can spend hours just talking and talking with Nad and that Vanida makes me feel like I've never left in the first place. From 2012 to now, I'm glad to be where I am, surrounded with positive people and being positive itself.
I was on a new low with my insecurities in 2013. I'd spend my time just staring into my reflection never really happy with what I saw. I was always going on and on about having thigh gaps back then but I don't think people knew just how much it messed me up. I was always so negative about my own body, hated this, hated that. I still am tbh, but it wasn't as bad as back then. I spent my time staring at the ceiling, wishing I was in another body, another life.
It wasn't until I was in Mozac that what made me unhappy wasn't my body but myself. There weren't any big mirrors there and after a few months, I realized I hadn't felt negative about my body for a while. It's like all those thoughts vanished when I wasn't intently looking for faults. I was doing it to myself, making myself negative. So I'm grateful too that I can look in my mirror and actually like my own body shape and size.
I once lied down in my room and thought is this how I'm spending my teenage life? Worrying about thigh gaps and being skinny, and wearing dresses and jeans without feeling awful? I just stepped back and realized that I was going to grow every day of my life, in the future, I might even be double the size that I am. I remember thinking how big I was in form 1 but then when I looked back when I was 15, I wanted so much to be that size again. It was like I was never going to be happy with myself. I would probably be the thinnest I could be right now, right this second in my whole entire life and I'd just spend it wallowing about wanting to be skinnier.
That was such a huge wake up call for me. I couldn't spend my life always wanting something better. Sometimes I just had to accept it and if I wanted to change I could, but I was the only one holding myself back.
I don't think I could ever regret all the choices I've made. I mean, I do, but one day I'm gonna realize that all those mistakes shaped me to be who I am now.
I'm always sorry to Eyya whenever we go out and she feels too awkward to sit with me and that one of us has to sit first so that the other can choose a seat far from the other. I'm sorry that I can't ask you about how your life is going eventhough I want to everytime we go out. I still remember when Rus, Nad, you and I went out before trials and I remember having such a fun time (probably because I was doing all the talking lol) but I still felt bad that you couldn't say anything about my stories and you just laughed. But I was still glad you found my stories entertaining and that you like hearing them. I'm sorry the circumstances have made us like this but do know that somewhere along the line, I missed you.
I've always hated the thought of being distant from one of my best friends and we were a big group back then. There was like 8 of us and it was hard to connect with everyone at the same time. But I remember wanting to get close to you the most. I guess it was because out of all of us, you and I were the most awkward together. The only precious thing that I can remember, & don't think I'm creepy or whatever, but I liked riding the bus with you. My favourite memory of us was when we were both tired as crap and we sat next to each other on the bus and we both just sort of fell asleep with your head on my shoulder, and my head on yours. It sounds creepy now lol but at the time I remember thinking, oh my god I'm finally close with her.
I used to tell about what happened in a way that it was your fault, but now it's just a memory. Still bitter, but one I can live with. You didn't destroy my life, I did. Though it burned all possible ways of us being normal friends again, I'm always glad when you come on our outings, eventhough the awkward moments are always there.
I guess I spent so much time being unhappy in 18 (1), I was really looking for a fresh start in Mozac. And I got just that.
But in all seriousness, my life in Mozac wasn't all sunshine and rainbow. I didn't have a best friend immediately, all of that took time. I remember feeling lethargic after a while. I just didn't want to go back anymore because it just got mundane. I started hating showering, walking, eating, talking to the same people every god damn day. I had to deal with the same shit everyday because at the time, I felt trapped. So you can imagine how happy I was that I forgot I was actually sad and lonely back then. It was like finally fitting in just made me forget all the bad times I went through. I remember telling my mom I was actually starting to get sick of Mozac and that I felt like I wanted to quit but the disappointment in my dad's voice kept me there. I'm glad it did now.
I remember feeling so much at home there. I always looked forward to coming back and telling stories until the sun went down. I liked form four the most because it truly was a honeymoon year. I got to skip prep, I got to go on illegal outings, I got to stay and spend a sad Ramadhan with Cheng. I got to do what I always thought boarding school life would be. No one cared what I did (except for some seniors who thought I was palat lol) and I didn't care what people did either. I just wanted to enjoy time in boarding school and I'm thankful I did. 2010 was my favourite year until 2014 came along. I hope more years were like that, full of new experiences and friends.
I'm also lucky to have ended my high school years happy. People come and go, I've accepted that now. So I've decided to just appreciate the memories now instead repressing them because the best memories had people that are no longer in my life but that doesn't mean I have to forget them.
2015 was spiral of gossip, stress eating, heartbreaks & everything else you'd expect in senior year. I didn't think it was possible to be more close to someone like I was with Cheng, but I did. Tbh, I'm too scared to ask her but I don't know if 2014 meant the same to Cheng like it did to me. We never really said we were best friends and now I just feel like I was in a one-sided friendship bc she never did say I was hers. I was always going on and on about it but she never did. Now that I hear stories from Farah Wani, I'm starting to get embarassed if I was the only one that felt like we were best friends in 2014 lol.
As close as we were, we had our falling outs sometimes. I was always the closest to Cheng. Even if she pissed me off or she was really mean to Od, I would always have her back. But there was a point where I started to resent her. We've fallen out so many times lol.
I remember this one period of 2015 where we sort of split into me and Iman, Cheng and Od. I would always be with Iman and they'd always be together, makan ke, jalan ke, tidur ke. Until one day we were like wtf what happened to us? I should've realized how fragile our friendship actually was back then ha ha. We always ended up like that, one day okay and then the next neither of us could figure out why we were suddenly distant. If we didn't talk for a whole day, it would just continue until one of us pointed it out lol. But despite it all, our friendship was the best.
On our last day, all 150 of us sujud syukur after our last Biology paper and in that 2 minutes of absolute silence, I prayed and thanked Allah for giving me a friendship that could last a lifetime. I almost cried thinking how much more I've accomplished in two years than in my whole life. I bowed gratefully for all the happiness that's taken place in a short amount of time. The most I was grateful for was Cheng and Od. I was grateful that we were given such a rare friendship. I was thankful that they were my best friends. I was grateful I ended my high school years with them.
Although we talk once a week, I'm still glad we decided to keep our group chat. I'm glad although it's been months, we still miss each other and still talk to each other whilst juggling our work. I'm also happy that two months of distance didn't erase two years of great memories.
We were just connected, you know? Like we always knew what the other was thinking, always in sync with our schedule, always the same. Even if all of us were spent, we'd still have our routine tea time to catch up on our day. It was okay I guess that we were in different classes, because then we'd have nothing to tell each other at the end of the day. We spent everyday together but still had new things to tell. During recess with our usual nasi lemaks, we'd catch up on the morning antics. After school, we'd spend the evening just talking and sometimes terlajak sampai dinner time lol. I loved that we always had something to talk about but I also loved that we could spend time in silence.
The last thing I saw before I went to bed was their faces and the first thing I saw everyday when I woke up was their faces. We spent lazy afternoons drinking coffee and eating mushroom soup. Od bought a carpet and we'd be sprawled on it everytime we came back from home. We had a kettle and a toaster and once had this huge feast of toast, nestum, mushroom soup and coffee for dinner together. By the end of it, people kept saying kitaorang dah macam orang bujang. We slept together, ate together, woke up together, studied together, walked together, nasib tak mandi together hehehe.
My life revolved around us four and our tiny corner. I did some of the stupidest things with them. We once climbed out of the window and hid at the balcony because Cikgu Rosnah was storming around the asrama telling people to go to prep. We just crouched outside, scared but giggly because we felt so stupid being on a balcony hiding from our teacher. We climbed the tangki sekolah twice before everyone did it. We even recorded the whole thing.
When we found out school was cancelled because of the haze during our Sunday outing, me and Cheng decided to go watch Police Evo and came back at 10. This year's Ramadhan was better than last year too. The seniors were allowed to be out until 10 on Friday because we were the only ones not allowed to go home. Being broke but hungry, we decided to have iftar at Mydin haha. Odd and lame choice, but I loved it. I remember me and Iman couldn't get a bus and Cheng and Od left first to go to the bank so we walked all the way to Petronas until a bus passed. We went to the pasar malam and got coconut shake for iftar. It was a simple meal but I cherished it. The first week we went, we bought purdahs and walked to the nearest mosque from Mydin. We were so scared of getting lost but we finally arrived there. Although rushed, it was nice to solat terawih in a mosque with my friends.
The second week, me and Cheng windowshopped for raya while Iman and Od went to pray. It was like our own little nerdy adventure out in Mydin ha ha. No one went to Mydin so it was just us from Mozac hehehe.
I also remember riding the bus a lot with Cheng and Od. I was always thankful to have a friend go with me lol & we'd text each other if anything awkward happened. And to be honest, Melaka Sentral became a fav of mine too. We actually went MAM shopping there. We bought shoes, tudungs and make up there and was so damn late ahahahah. We literally spent all our money and was so broke.
But those little things were what made my 2015 and senior year memorable.
I'm lucky and grateful for so many things, and this post spiralled into all of my thoughts compressed into one, but I'm happy that my years have been well spent.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016 @ 11:59 AM /
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