I think I'm one of the lucky ones.I've never had any trouble figuring my life out, you know? I've always known what I wanted to be in life. Never doubting the decisions I've made and never really having anything to choose from.
I knew I wanted to be in Mozac, so I got in.
I knew I had to take pure science, so I did.
I knew I wanted to be a lawyer, so I'm pining for it.
Even when my sister went into standard one and I was crying cause I didn't get to, I knew I wanted to go to school.
My life's just been planned and I've always just followed my instincts, without worrying. It does make it sound like my life is boring, always by the books but I can't imagine it as anything than this.
I can't imagine if I never got into Mozac and met all these incredible people.
I can't imagine taking account or literature.
I've always set a path for myself and I've always followed it. I'm thankful, I suppose. Some people that I know never know what their life aspirations were to be. They still don't know what to do with their lives, what to choose, what to take on. But I've just always known what I wanted to do with my life. I never think about it. I just go with whatever life gives me, I guess. I never rebel against what I've been put against and I've always been okay with that. Like 12 year old me always knew I'd end up following everything she'd planned for me.
I'm also lucky/thankful for my school years. My older sister hated her high school years and my youngest sister as well. But I was blessed with always having good friends and fond memories. Sure, 2012 was a bad year for me but I've learnt a lot from that. I learned to give in sometimes to my friends, to not be so narcissistic, to not think that I was what held the group together and that if I left they'd all fall apart. That was what fucked me up in form 2. I just had this huge ego hanging over me until one day it dropped and I lost my friends.
Although I joked about eating in the toilet during recess, those were really hard times for me. The fact that I was in that situation because of my own stupid ego made it 10x worse. I just felt like my life was falling apart and I was only 14! Lol. I was anxious all the time and cried in my bathroom once because I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror.
2013 wasn't as bad. But once you've tasted the sincerity of friendship, it's hard not to be bitter about it. It was hard not to care that I was now the outsider on their inside jokes but it got better. Now, I'm thankful that we get to go out and laugh like old times. I'm happy that I make Rus laugh, that I can spend hours just talking and talking with Nad and that Vanida makes me feel like I've never left in the first place. From 2012 to now, I'm glad to be where I am, surrounded with positive people and being positive itself.
I was on a new low with my insecurities in 2013. I'd spend my time just staring into my reflection never really happy with what I saw. I was always going on and on about having thigh gaps back then but I don't think people knew just how much it messed me up. I was always so negative about my own body, hated this, hated that. I still am tbh, but it wasn't as bad as back then. I spent my time staring at the ceiling, wishing I was in another body, another life.
It wasn't until I was in Mozac that what made me unhappy wasn't my body but myself. There weren't any big mirrors there and after a few months, I realized I hadn't felt negative about my body for a while. It's like all those thoughts vanished when I wasn't intently looking for faults. I was doing it to myself, making myself negative. So I'm grateful too that I can look in my mirror and actually like my own body shape and size.
I once lied down in my room and thought is this how I'm spending my teenage life? Worrying about thigh gaps and being skinny, and wearing dresses and jeans without feeling awful? I just stepped back and realized that I was going to grow every day of my life, in the future, I might even be double the size that I am. I remember thinking how big I was in form 1 but then when I looked back when I was 15, I wanted so much to be that size again. It was like I was never going to be happy with myself. I would probably be the thinnest I could be right now, right this second in my whole entire life and I'd just spend it wallowing about wanting to be skinnier.
That was such a huge wake up call for me. I couldn't spend my life always wanting something better. Sometimes I just had to accept it and if I wanted to change I could, but I was the only one holding myself back.
I don't think I could ever regret all the choices I've made. I mean, I do, but one day I'm gonna realize that all those mistakes shaped me to be who I am now.
I'm always sorry to Eyya whenever we go out and she feels too awkward to sit with me and that one of us has to sit first so that the other can choose a seat far from the other. I'm sorry that I can't ask you about how your life is going eventhough I want to everytime we go out. I still remember when Rus, Nad, you and I went out before trials and I remember having such a fun time (probably because I was doing all the talking lol) but I still felt bad that you couldn't say anything about my stories and you just laughed. But I was still glad you found my stories entertaining and that you like hearing them. I'm sorry the circumstances have made us like this but do know that somewhere along the line, I missed you.
I've always hated the thought of being distant from one of my best friends and we were a big group back then. There was like 8 of us and it was hard to connect with everyone at the same time. But I remember wanting to get close to you the most. I guess it was because out of all of us, you and I were the most awkward together. The only precious thing that I can remember, & don't think I'm creepy or whatever, but I liked riding the bus with you. My favourite memory of us was when we were both tired as crap and we sat next to each other on the bus and we both just sort of fell asleep with your head on my shoulder, and my head on yours. It sounds creepy now lol but at the time I remember thinking, oh my god I'm finally close with her.
I used to tell about what happened in a way that it was your fault, but now it's just a memory. Still bitter, but one I can live with. You didn't destroy my life, I did. Though it burned all possible ways of us being normal friends again, I'm always glad when you come on our outings, eventhough the awkward moments are always there.
I guess I spent so much time being unhappy in 18 (1), I was really looking for a fresh start in Mozac. And I got just that.
But in all seriousness, my life in Mozac wasn't all sunshine and rainbow. I didn't have a best friend immediately, all of that took time. I remember feeling lethargic after a while. I just didn't want to go back anymore because it just got mundane. I started hating showering, walking, eating, talking to the same people every god damn day. I had to deal with the same shit everyday because at the time, I felt trapped. So you can imagine how happy I was that I forgot I was actually sad and lonely back then. It was like finally fitting in just made me forget all the bad times I went through. I remember telling my mom I was actually starting to get sick of Mozac and that I felt like I wanted to quit but the disappointment in my dad's voice kept me there. I'm glad it did now.
I remember feeling so much at home there. I always looked forward to coming back and telling stories until the sun went down. I liked form four the most because it truly was a honeymoon year. I got to skip prep, I got to go on illegal outings, I got to stay and spend a sad Ramadhan with Cheng. I got to do what I always thought boarding school life would be. No one cared what I did (except for some seniors who thought I was palat lol) and I didn't care what people did either. I just wanted to enjoy time in boarding school and I'm thankful I did. 2010 was my favourite year until 2014 came along. I hope more years were like that, full of new experiences and friends.
I'm also lucky to have ended my high school years happy. People come and go, I've accepted that now. So I've decided to just appreciate the memories now instead repressing them because the best memories had people that are no longer in my life but that doesn't mean I have to forget them.
2015 was spiral of gossip, stress eating, heartbreaks & everything else you'd expect in senior year. I didn't think it was possible to be more close to someone like I was with Cheng, but I did. Tbh, I'm too scared to ask her but I don't know if 2014 meant the same to Cheng like it did to me. We never really said we were best friends and now I just feel like I was in a one-sided friendship bc she never did say I was hers. I was always going on and on about it but she never did. Now that I hear stories from Farah Wani, I'm starting to get embarassed if I was the only one that felt like we were best friends in 2014 lol.
As close as we were, we had our falling outs sometimes. I was always the closest to Cheng. Even if she pissed me off or she was really mean to Od, I would always have her back. But there was a point where I started to resent her. We've fallen out so many times lol.
I remember this one period of 2015 where we sort of split into me and Iman, Cheng and Od. I would always be with Iman and they'd always be together, makan ke, jalan ke, tidur ke. Until one day we were like wtf what happened to us? I should've realized how fragile our friendship actually was back then ha ha. We always ended up like that, one day okay and then the next neither of us could figure out why we were suddenly distant. If we didn't talk for a whole day, it would just continue until one of us pointed it out lol. But despite it all, our friendship was the best.
On our last day, all 150 of us sujud syukur after our last Biology paper and in that 2 minutes of absolute silence, I prayed and thanked Allah for giving me a friendship that could last a lifetime. I almost cried thinking how much more I've accomplished in two years than in my whole life. I bowed gratefully for all the happiness that's taken place in a short amount of time. The most I was grateful for was Cheng and Od. I was grateful that we were given such a rare friendship. I was thankful that they were my best friends. I was grateful I ended my high school years with them.
Although we talk once a week, I'm still glad we decided to keep our group chat. I'm glad although it's been months, we still miss each other and still talk to each other whilst juggling our work. I'm also happy that two months of distance didn't erase two years of great memories.
We were just connected, you know? Like we always knew what the other was thinking, always in sync with our schedule, always the same. Even if all of us were spent, we'd still have our routine tea time to catch up on our day. It was okay I guess that we were in different classes, because then we'd have nothing to tell each other at the end of the day. We spent everyday together but still had new things to tell. During recess with our usual nasi lemaks, we'd catch up on the morning antics. After school, we'd spend the evening just talking and sometimes terlajak sampai dinner time lol. I loved that we always had something to talk about but I also loved that we could spend time in silence.
The last thing I saw before I went to bed was their faces and the first thing I saw everyday when I woke up was their faces. We spent lazy afternoons drinking coffee and eating mushroom soup. Od bought a carpet and we'd be sprawled on it everytime we came back from home. We had a kettle and a toaster and once had this huge feast of toast, nestum, mushroom soup and coffee for dinner together. By the end of it, people kept saying kitaorang dah macam orang bujang. We slept together, ate together, woke up together, studied together, walked together, nasib tak mandi together hehehe.
My life revolved around us four and our tiny corner. I did some of the stupidest things with them. We once climbed out of the window and hid at the balcony because Cikgu Rosnah was storming around the asrama telling people to go to prep. We just crouched outside, scared but giggly because we felt so stupid being on a balcony hiding from our teacher. We climbed the tangki sekolah twice before everyone did it. We even recorded the whole thing.
When we found out school was cancelled because of the haze during our Sunday outing, me and Cheng decided to go watch Police Evo and came back at 10. This year's Ramadhan was better than last year too. The seniors were allowed to be out until 10 on Friday because we were the only ones not allowed to go home. Being broke but hungry, we decided to have iftar at Mydin haha. Odd and lame choice, but I loved it. I remember me and Iman couldn't get a bus and Cheng and Od left first to go to the bank so we walked all the way to Petronas until a bus passed. We went to the pasar malam and got coconut shake for iftar. It was a simple meal but I cherished it. The first week we went, we bought purdahs and walked to the nearest mosque from Mydin. We were so scared of getting lost but we finally arrived there. Although rushed, it was nice to solat terawih in a mosque with my friends.
The second week, me and Cheng windowshopped for raya while Iman and Od went to pray. It was like our own little nerdy adventure out in Mydin ha ha. No one went to Mydin so it was just us from Mozac hehehe.
I also remember riding the bus a lot with Cheng and Od. I was always thankful to have a friend go with me lol & we'd text each other if anything awkward happened. And to be honest, Melaka Sentral became a fav of mine too. We actually went MAM shopping there. We bought shoes, tudungs and make up there and was so damn late ahahahah. We literally spent all our money and was so broke.
But those little things were what made my 2015 and senior year memorable.
I'm lucky and grateful for so many things, and this post spiralled into all of my thoughts compressed into one, but I'm happy that my years have been well spent.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016 @ 11:59 AM /
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haaaaaaaaaaaaaay.So despite having a mini existential crisis this week, it has been a good second week of 2016! Although my relationship with my mom is spiralling down into awkward encounters, I had fun this week.
Everyone else probably dreaded this week because school started but it was the week I wanted to start my post-school life lol. Don't get me wrong, sleeping at 6 and waking up at 4 was #lyfegoals but I had enough with mom's nagging. So, I went job hunting on Monday lol. This was also a mini excuse for me to not spend my holidays at home and being yelled at everyday for not doing laundry or washing dishes just because I was home the whole day.
I went over to Nad's and she takes forever to get ready so I got to watch Catching Fire a lil bit. I was too shy to ask for a job so I kept telling Nad to ask for me hahahahaha It was stupid. We'd pass a store and I'd just push her in and say 'ok nanti panggil aku kalau ada kerja' and walked off hahaahha So in the end I only got to apply for Lovely Lace and Belle. Both extremely dull work places but I had $$$ issues bruh lol.
Aaaaaaaand I met Farah Wani! I was just talking to Nani & Nad and she passed by. We were just giggling because she was so embarassed hahahaha She worked at Parkson and I was like bruh hook a brother up! And she said she'd tell me if there were ahahahha.
So there was my first adventure: job hunting lol.
Update: Lovely Lace & Belle hasn't called so I'm guessing I didn't get it lmao.
On Wednesday, Mia came over so we decided to go the most nerd adventure everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr lol. Plus we were both bored out of our minds. We went to Alamanda first and had a really lame and sorta sad breakfast at Burger King hahahaha. And being the lamest of lames............we went to watch Alvin And The Chipmunks. Don't. We don't speak of it.
So the idea was for us to have the whole day exploring Putrajaya! So we went to the bus stop and just got on the first bus that came haahhahaha. We ended up at Presint 14. Presint 14 is just a bloody bore so we walked all the way through Presint Diplomatik and Presint 15 for the bus loool. Walking around under a scorching sun wasn't the best of ideas but Mia & I did it for da aDVENTURE!!!!
Mia wanted to go to IOI to see Rus so we waited at the Alamanda bus stop for like half an hour before the bus came. Rus was busy so we went to eat at Boat Noodle. Being broke af, we only ordered 4 bowls. I really wanted to get the cool hipster cups that people get from Boat Noodle so i ordered their Thai milk tea and Mia ordered the green tea one. Both were reaaaaaaally good and the same price as Chatime so it was worth it.
Then we went to see Rus hahahaha Okay more like annoy her. We didn't want to get her in trouble so we picked out a shoe and made her find us a size lololol. Then we talked to her for while and I missed her so much ;;;;
We were planning on going to Taman Botani but it was getting late and we were tired. So we made it home by bus. Half way walking home mom passed by lol. So we drove home with her. At night we were just smashed.
Our nerd bus adventure ended!!!!!!!!
Just life fyi, I have never ridden the bus home because I've never trusted the buses to DPP. Plus I've never been confident in riding buses around because I never know the bloody schedule. Back when we'd go for outings on Fridays, it took ages to get a bus so I've never trusted the efficiency of Nadi Putra buses. But I downloaded the whole bus schedule for our day out so I was thankful for that hehe. & I feel okay if I ever need to ride the bus again so thnx Maiya for the bus xperience ~*~*
The next day, Mia bugged me the whole morning lol. She kept going in and out just to annoy me. In the end, she made banana pancakes for her and Wan. At 1.30 we got ready and by 2.20 (lol ikr we take so long to get ready now #teenlyfe) we went to wait at the bus stop. Bloody hell it took an hour for the bus to come around. I was actually thinking of just going home and postponing the whole day but luck would have it, tHE BUS CAME!!! I was so excited lol.
We were so thirsty so I got Chatime and Mia got a Boost smoothie. Then we went for lunch at Subway where I may have had a seizure when I locked eyes with the handsome subway boy. I think he was the guy from the agama school who I saw at camp in form 4 and momentarily fell in love with, who knows. I had the meatball marinara and Mia had her phone.
Around 4.30 we left for the bus stop. This time, I figured out the bus routes so we managed to take the right bus yaaaaaaay.
Lo and behold, we were finally at Taman Botani!!!!!!!!
We rented the bikes for RM2 each so that was worth it. The park is reaaaaaally beautiful. I remember the last time I went there with my family and it was just as nice this time around. There were couples going on dates there and there was Mia and I wheezing past on our lil cousin date lololol. I really enjoyed it. After spending a whole month lounging around, it was just nice to be outside and on a bike with the breeze. God that sounded cheesy, but true. I am a romantic sucker for nature huhu.
After almost an hour, Mia was just exhausted so we decided to stop. It was around 6pm so I called dad and just my luck he just arrived in Putrajaya so he took us home. We stopped at Taman Warisan for a drink because bloody hell a can of 100 PLUS just wasn't enough. We bought dinner and finally went home.
Despite how sore my butt was the next day (don't take that out of context please), I had a nice evening out and about with nature!!!!!!!!!!!! & Mia. I was also thankful Mia didn't die through out the whole ride hahahaha.
Mia and I were spent from the two days of nerd adventures so we just lied around the whole of Friday watching movies and stuff. I also introduced Mia and my sisters to sixpenceee so they ended up reading Borrasca in silence after Maghrib whilst I dealt with my room hahaha.
Farah Wani also called me in the afternoon because there was a job opening so she needed my IC. Later that evening, someone called me offering a job at Parkson!!! Ayyyyy as if my week couldn't get better :D I still don't know if I got it or not lol but they wanted to see me this Monday so wish me luck ;D
I really had fun with Mia talking and being losers like old times. We got distant after PMR and my going away. I was actually touched when Mia wished me for my birthday and said that I was sort of her first best friend. I was like god what happened to us we were each other's best friends back then. So I really wanted to patch things up between us and I'm glad you came this week. It felt nice to tell someone everything I've been bottling up inside me since the holidays and someone who understands it rather than giving me the omg u whore look. We haven't talked and hung around like that since form 3....I guess. So I was happy that I got to spend time with you and broke the awkward ice that's been hanging around us for 2 years ;p Glad to have Mia back.
The loser duo back at it.
Bye, & to many happy weeks like this.
Saturday, January 9, 2016 @ 10:10 AM /
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Talking to Mia about how last year went really made me realize how freaking shitty it was.I mean I had freaking amazing friends but I was so frustrated and trapped. I think that's why by the end of it I was just always crying and spacing out.
Like, I cried a lot the last few weeks of SPM. My family didn't understand it, my friends being stressed out over SPM, all the classes just dried me out man. 2015 dried me out.
I remember being really frustrated because I had all these fucking classes and everytime I told my family they'd just say it was for my SPM, I just had to deal with it but no..........they didn't understand. They didn't understand being pressed into a can of good grades. The pressure the school puts on us, on me was fucking suffocating. I was pushed into class after class after class. It was never ending. There is a limit and Mozac fucking hit it with me, man.
Parents should understand that. How can you expect me to learn when I am being forced to understand and excel for something I actually lost interest in?
.....I really lost interest in my education. When I said I wasn't ready for trials, I meant it. I was just swimming around in endless pep talks and exercises that I didn't realize I drowned my passion to learn. Even if I do get my 9As....I'm sorry, but all of that was wrong. You made me feel like shit the whole year because I had to get up at 7 even on a holiday because I had a 6 hour class to attend. You made me cry because the pressure of being in Beta broke me. You made me cry because I was so frustrated at the facts you pushed down my throat and expected me swallow.
Most of the teachers didn't realize we had more than one subject to learn. You repeated the same thing over and over but at the same time, I had 8 other fucking subjects to balance. It is selfish to expect that from us.
I hated it.
I hated it when I did something wrong in English and you pointed out that just because I got an A+ for midterms doesn't mean I get to slack off. I hated being so fucking afraid to enter the biology lab. I hated letting you down because you did so much for me. I hated your stories about other students who failed your subject. I hated how you always wanted a reason to embarrass me in class. I hated how you only raised your voice at me even though everyone else wasn't paying a single shit to what you said. I hated being gossiped by the teachers. I hated how you had to tell me that teachers had a problem with my attitude. I hated that the teachers were such fucking gossip mongers. I hated that you made every little problem in my batch a fucking hurricane. I hated that you expected so much from a bunch of lowlifes like us.
I hated, hated, hated that you made me feel so unhappy in 2015.
I can't deny that 2015 wasn't my best year. It's okay to say all these things that have emotionally drained me because not every year is a good year.
And I know one day I will look back on this past and think what an ungrateful little bitch but right now, I will remember this anger.
This anger that built from being taught that swallowing facts is more important than learning.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016 @ 11:04 AM /
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